No, That’s Not Richard Grieco
Photo Credit: Keith Allison

That old bag from the “Where’s The Beef?” commercials knows where it is. Legend has it, the real cause of her death came from reading a single sentence of “Beef: The Series.” It was simply too much beef for one elderly woman to handle. A “beef overdose” if you will. 

Seeing as how this is the first “Beef: The Series” of our 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft Kit, it’s only right that we kick things off with a Battle Royale. The LA Angels closing job could go in a couple of different directions. There’s a great chance that the guy who starts out as the closer could wind up third or fourth on the team in saves by season’s end. It’s that wide open. 

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Definitely Too Dumb For Auctions
Photo Credit: istolethetv

I’m so adamant about how superior fantasy auctions are to snake drafts, I’m not even doing a goddamn snake draft strategy piece. Honestly, what advice can I give to fantasy owners doing snake drafts?

“Be lucky enough to land a picking spot towards one of the ends so you can pick up back-to-back players.”

If you and your friends are still doing snake drafts, these are the only possible reasons:

1) You are relatively new to fantasy sports and are intimidated by auctions

2) You are too dumb to understand auctions

3) You are old (we all know how much older people hate change)

The auction format puts you in total control of your team. The onus is completely on the owner to craft a championship-caliber team. That’s right, no hoping that you luck out and get a sweet spot in the draft order. Just pure, unadulterated skill. 

New to the auction set-up? No worries. I’m not only here to convert you to auctions, but to help you maneuver through them like a seasoned pro. Some auction columns offer concrete strategies, which are fugazi. Auctions are like your mom: they are tricky whores that can twist in all different directions. So trying to apply an etched-in-stone approach is foolhardy as your decision-making could alter every few picks.

Instead, I’ll provide some do’s and don'ts that should help you successfully navigate through an auction and put you in a position to build a championship-worthy roster. Pretty f’ing nice of me. 

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He’s about to shit the bed
Photo Credit: June Rivera

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top). We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings (with 0.5 points-per-reception).

No need to waste your time with an introduction. There are championship games to be won. 

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Finding the right team name can you make you as happy as this guy
Photo Credit: Koshyk

Yes, an R.A. Dickey based team name is too easy. Why of course, Call Me Maybin is an incredibly wack team name. 

Let’s face it, really hilarious fantasy baseball team names are difficult to come up with. So rather than waste precious time trying to come up with names yourself, why not let your boy Dudley Do Work do it for you? Below are the best fantasy baseball team names for the 2013 season. They are also the funniest fantasy baseball team names of the 2013 season. How do I know they’re the best and the funniest? Simple, because the phrases “best fantasy baseball team names” and “funniest fantasy baseball team names” generate a shit-ton of hits on search engines. That may not have answered the question, but it didn’t need to. You’re here now. So join the Sons of Roto revolution and experience another Starbonell hand-crafted team names collection (with a couple of MDS gems sprinkled in). 

As always, these names are 100% original and did not come from any other sources. There are no lazy team names or corny-ass puns chilling on this list. We don’t believe in filling in our list with mediocre names just to flesh it out. Nope. Just pure, unadulterated genius. As usual, we are welcome to any suggestions from readers. Be warned though: only the best reader recommendations will grace this list (with credit included). 

Get a condom on that brain of yours, because your mind is about to be blown.

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This Christian will go through hell on Sunday
Photo Credit: Kevind810

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top). We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings (with 0.5 points-per-reception).

Our kickers and defenses both put in work last week, so there’s no reason for you to stray from Dudley Do Work with the fantasy title within reach. Open wide, because you’re about to take some “Stream Pies” to the grill.

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Sorry lady-killers, but there’s no nerds allowed
Photo Credit: greggoconnell

Advanced stats in fantasy baseball can be very useful. Unfortunately, most advanced stats have little bearing on fantasy value. WAR, what is it good for? Jack shit homey.

Now there are obviously some advanced stats that can be critical tools in the quest for fantasy glory. We call these stats “Starbometrics.” You see, “Starbometrics” focuses solely on the advanced stats that actually help portend fantasy greatness or failure. There are so many different statistics out there that many people (fantasy “experts” especially) try to cite in an effort to make it seem like they know what the fuck they are talking about. That doesn’t go down here at Sons of Roto.

So to help break down the only advanced stats that matter, your boy Big Poppa Pockets has decided to drum up a primer that strictly looks at the stuff that matters in fantasy.

Class begins after the jump:

Start the Rams for Fitz 'N Giggles
Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top). We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings (with 0.5 points-per-reception).

Not a great day for our defenses last week. The Kansas City Chiefs played the game of their lives following a double-merk, while the Browns (although solid defensively) failed to generate many sacks or turnovers. Fortunately, we have an ass-ton of defensive recommendations, ready to do serious work. Let’s get it.

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Photo Credit: Jeffrey Beall

The season is winding down faster and quicker than we realized. Many fantasy leagues have already started fantasy playoffs and at least half of the teams out there will be playing in consolation round match ups more pointless than this past week's Monday night game. Hopefully, digging into the depth charts and becoming a waiver wire slut has led you to the playoffs. Just like any NFL or indoor semi-professional lacrosse team, the one and only goal is to get to the playoffs, because anything can happen.

Seeing that this will be the final article of the season, I thought it would be wise to take a look back at how we have done this year.

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Turns more balls over than a meatball line chef
Photo Credit: Tanguero56

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top). We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings (with 0.5 points-per-reception).

Hope you haven’t had breakfast yet, because your boy Captain Crunch Time is ready to serve up a whole mess of clutch. Our sole defensive recommendation last week (the Cleveland Browns) collected eight turnovers and cruised to a dominant fantasy day. This week, we have a pair of waiver-wire DEFs and a trio of kickers to help eek out those precious extra points you need to solidify a dub.

You’re probably saying, “Starbonell, you’ve helped me all year and are about to put me in the playoffs. There has to be something I can do to thank you for essentially carrying my squad.” Well, you don’t have to do anything for me, but seeing as how I’m in the holiday spirit, I would instead ask that you all donate a little something to the Sons of Roto-sponsored charity, US. 

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The Browns should smack this Batch up
Photo Credit: Eldorado Owens

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best option to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top). We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings.

These next two weeks are critical, but loyal “Stream Pies” readers know that the kid comes up big when needed most. Unless you are rocking the Chicago Bears defense, this is not the team to be showing loyalty to your DEF and kickers. You have to maximize the shit out of every position on your starting lineup. So grab the lube and a pack of rubbers, because we’re about to go in real deep with some ill recommendations.

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