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There will be no fancy introduction. The revolution will not be televised. The rabbit hole awaits you. Go.

"Don't look at me! You're a dirty, stinking hippy. And you can't throw a strike!"

The Million Dollar Projections are back! This year I decided to honor all those goombas who talk trash at someone, but aptly describe themselves when doing so. If you haven't been the victim of projection, Tim Lincecum is looking at you kid. If your twig-like, hippy legs can manage, make the jump for MDS' Top 60 Starting Pitchers.

Puff, puff, PASS on Matt Kemp’s price tag
Photo Credit: Ron Reiring

Fantasy baseball draft season is upon us, and just as every MLB team enters Spring Training with hopes of a deep playoff run, lunatic fantasy baseball owners hope for the same. Injuries WILL play a major role in the success of real and fantasy teams alike, and most are very difficult to predict. Not all injuries are created equal either, particularly when it comes to recovery times, potential for recurring/additional injury, or any lingering effects when the player returns. Knowing which players are worth the risk and which players to saddle the competition with can pay huge dividends on draft day. The good news: if you’re reading this, then you’ve already got a leg up on the competition. As a practicing physical therapist with extensive experience in orthopedic rehabilitation (and a fellow fantasy nutjob), I have the skillset to steer you in the right direction. I’ll be discussing a number of players with injury concerns entering the season, and whether or not I “trust” them to stay healthy and/or produce at their normal levels (i.e. will you get what you pay for on draft day?). If I don’t trust the player they get a spot on Don’s Do-Not-Trust List (DDNTL). If there’s a player I didn’t address that you want to read about, feel free to email or comment and I’ll get to it. I’m here for you. Let’s roll.

More after the jump:

Not quite Darv, just Darvish
Photo Credit: mikelachance816

Because there are so many goddamn starting pitchers out there that warrant being on your radar, we wanted to kick off the 2013 fantasy baseball edition of “Tiers, Not Fears” with the biggest, baddest SP ranks on the ‘net. It goes without saying that starting pitching is the deepest position in fantasy. Shit, we got 134 pitchers on our list here and it doesn’t even include names like Ervin Santana or Brian Matusz. Because the well of SPs is deeper than Jack Handy, fantasy owners don’t have to pay the big bucks for the more expensive (and, often, overrated) arms. Granted, some guys are worth the money, but just realize that starting pitching is volatile as hell. Between the risk of injury (no human beings are meant to hurl objects over their shoulders in such violent fashion) and the inconsistency that plagues even some of the best SPs out there, it’s possible that most of the pitchers you draft will not even be on your team by year’s end. So while pitching is half the game in fantasy, know that spending too much on it will increase your team’s odds of bed-shtting.

Now let’s get down to platinum tax, because brass don’t do me justice. 

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Mason Crosby: Heavily drafted, rarely worth the price
Photo Credit: Mike Morbeck

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top). We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings (with 0.5 points-per-reception).

The numbers are in, and our defensive recommendations would’ve ranked 11th overall in fantasy points-per-game among all defenses. While our kickers finished a disappointing 13th, they still helped pushed forth the theory that playing the waiver wire made more sense than sticking with your kicker all year. 

More final results after the jump:

No that’s not the bat boy, that’s Wesley Wright
Photo Credit: theevancarroll

While a closer battle for a team like the Astros sounds more like “veal” than “beef,” it’s worth pointing out that there are only so many saves out there. You can’t turn your nose up at closers on shitty teams, especially when they will be available for dirt cheap on draft/auction day. 

Fortunately, the Sons of Roto have staged a vicious deathmatch between the four Houston RPs vying for your ownership. 

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No, That’s Not Richard Grieco
Photo Credit: Keith Allison

That old bag from the “Where’s The Beef?” commercials knows where it is. Legend has it, the real cause of her death came from reading a single sentence of “Beef: The Series.” It was simply too much beef for one elderly woman to handle. A “beef overdose” if you will. 

Seeing as how this is the first “Beef: The Series” of our 2013 Fantasy Baseball Draft Kit, it’s only right that we kick things off with a Battle Royale. The LA Angels closing job could go in a couple of different directions. There’s a great chance that the guy who starts out as the closer could wind up third or fourth on the team in saves by season’s end. It’s that wide open. 

More after the jump:

Definitely Too Dumb For Auctions
Photo Credit: istolethetv

I’m so adamant about how superior fantasy auctions are to snake drafts, I’m not even doing a goddamn snake draft strategy piece. Honestly, what advice can I give to fantasy owners doing snake drafts?

“Be lucky enough to land a picking spot towards one of the ends so you can pick up back-to-back players.”

If you and your friends are still doing snake drafts, these are the only possible reasons:

1) You are relatively new to fantasy sports and are intimidated by auctions

2) You are too dumb to understand auctions

3) You are old (we all know how much older people hate change)

The auction format puts you in total control of your team. The onus is completely on the owner to craft a championship-caliber team. That’s right, no hoping that you luck out and get a sweet spot in the draft order. Just pure, unadulterated skill. 

New to the auction set-up? No worries. I’m not only here to convert you to auctions, but to help you maneuver through them like a seasoned pro. Some auction columns offer concrete strategies, which are fugazi. Auctions are like your mom: they are tricky whores that can twist in all different directions. So trying to apply an etched-in-stone approach is foolhardy as your decision-making could alter every few picks.

Instead, I’ll provide some do’s and don'ts that should help you successfully navigate through an auction and put you in a position to build a championship-worthy roster. Pretty f’ing nice of me. 

More after the jump:

He’s about to shit the bed
Photo Credit: June Rivera

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top). We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings (with 0.5 points-per-reception).

No need to waste your time with an introduction. There are championship games to be won. 

More after the jump: