Even moms who are bitches put in work.
Photo Credit: AirBeagle
In the spirit of “mom-ness,” I’ll try to offer encouraging takes on the players instead of being really hard on them (pause).
That was the original plan, until I thought how much more awesome it would be to speak about the players from the “mother” perspective.
Then I thought, eh, that’s pretty lame.
Then when I realized I was low on time, it struck me, “Well, I guess I got no other choice.”
So it is with true reluctance that I bring you, MLB Real Talk, the Ma’ Dukes Day edition.
Pam McLouth on her son Nate: “Oh well my little Nate-Nate was always a patient boy. He was never very fussy and he always waited his turn. He’s carried that patience into his career as my precious Noochy-coo has posted a BB% above 11 percent in each of the last three years. Those people who boo my son just burn up my britches, but they’re just jealous. Sure Nathaniel has lost his power stroke, he knows that his ISO was at .132 last year and is sitting at .119 this season. If people just saw through their jealousy covered eyes, they’d see that Nathaniel has scored 21 runs and is hitting a respectable .263. I understand Nate will probably never have a season like 2008, but my son should still be a respectable player in five OF leagues. And hey, if his 19.4 LD% is a sign of improving power, then maybe he’ll still hit around 15 HRs by year’s end. Either way, he’ll always be the MVP of my heart.”
Mrs. “Jason Bourgeois Mom” (I couldn’t find her name on the ‘net) on her son Jason: “I don’t know why people are taking so long to pick up my son in fantasy leagues. He’s only 15 percent owned in Yahoo! leagues and my son is better than that. Plus I have to hear it from Angel Sanchez’s mom about how her son inching towards the 35 percent mark. I can’t STAND that woman. Anyway, my son Jason is really fast. My little man already has 12 SBs on the season, and it’s no surprise. Jason developed his speed throughout elementary, middle, and high school. The kids used to call him “Gay-son Bourgeoisie” and he would run from the bullies and the rocks that they threw. Fortunately, that propelled him to the great status of “intriguing fantasy option” and I’m sure those bullies are working at gas stations or dead. Sorry, it’s just that I get so worked up over the SB potential my son has to make your fantasy team a lead in the category.”
Vivian Boesch on her son Brennan: “God’s perfect little angel Brennan is still available in over half of Yahoo! fantasy leagues! He’s been a top 30 OF this season with a .304 BA, two HRs, three SBs, 19 Rs, and 16 RBIs in 127 PAs. Sure some of the no-good naysayers will say that my son started off hot last year only to stink up the joint in the second half of the season, but they haven’t been keeping track of how much he’s improved. In between taped episodes of Dancing With the Stars season one (that Emmit Smith can rush up the middle on me anytime), I’ve watched all of Brennan’s PAs and can tell you that he’s definitely been a more selective hitter. He’s swinging at less pitches overall this season and that has led to a bump in Contact% (81.4) and BB% (8.7). He’s also cut down on the strikeouts (17.9 K%). That nice man Jim Leyland has always been good to my son and this year he’s letting him hit in the middle of the order. He’s even been used as the third hitter the last three games in front of that troublemaker Miguel Cabrera! My son has shown very good power at the plate before and if he sticks in the three-hole, you can expect him to see a ton of good pitches to hit as teams will be worried about Cabrera coming up after him.”
So there you have it. Before we end this Mother’s Day edition of MLB Real Talk, we have to acknowledge the one crucial element of society that moms bring to the table: mom jokes. Without these juvenile remarks, I truly believe that this country would collapse in on itself. So before the day ends, be sure to hit up a buddy and say “Tell your mom Happy Mother’s Day because I forgot to when I was climbing out her window last night.”