CJ2K + 33 Carries = 45 Yards
Photo Credit: vermillion

Lessons of Week Three in the NFL: Always, always start your big boys and start listening to Papa Matt. The chance has long passed for you to grab shotgun onboard the Arizona Cardinals bandwagon. If you don't jump on this bus now, you will find yourself as the irrelevant hostage in the back of the bus while Sandra Bullock drives us to victory baby! Sure, Kevin Kolb ain't no Keanu Reeves, but he can sure play quarterback this season.

Fantasy glory has returned to Maurice Jones-Drew, Jamaal Charles and Larry Fitzgerald. And thank god, because we didn't truly want to put them in the dungeon that Chris Johnson has kept solely to himself for over a year now. Johnson has eroded into the lowliest, subpar level that can be imagined by an athlete. It is a joke and I would be shocked to see the Allen Wranglers even throwing him a bone when his contract expires.

If we talk about the Cards, we have to throw in the holy-men from the Big Easy. I'm shocked. Shocked at how horrible their defense is. An Ed Hochuli sighting is more likely then a Saints win right now. But as much as we get ticked off about our teams, we know that our real money and effort is put into making sure Ryan Succop notched that last field goal to give us a 1.03 point win.

We told you about the Arizona Cardinals. Did you listen? No. We told you about Brandon Stokley. Did you listen? No, you laughed. Listen up everybody, here comes the truth.

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Photo Credit: Joe Bielawa 

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on SPs who are owned in less than 30 percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best option to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top).

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His deep passes are softer than Lance Bass at the Playboy Mansion
Photo Credit: Jeffrey Beall

Coffee is for closers. Guess what I’m drinking right now? Coffee. Why? Because like Ricky Roma in Glengarry Glen Ross, I’m a closer. Last week I told you to take the Ravens, Bengals and 49ers. The Ravens were +3 if you took them anytime near Sunday. Well, the Ravens lost by 1. That’s a win for us. The Bengals were -7 and won by 7. Which means if you took the Bengals, you pushed. Hey, better than a loss. The Niners were also -7. The Niners won by eight even though it wasn’t as close as the final score indicated. Which means, yes, if you took the Niners you won again. Overall, if you stuck with me, you didn’t lose a game and went 2-0-1 in Week Two, which puts my record on the season at 3-1-1. Our bankroll, if you’ve taken my recommended wagers, is at +490. And unlike Enron, I’m not skewing the earnings reports. That’s one thing you have to love about investing in the sports wagering world, while the odds are against you, you won’t wake up one day to find out you were lied to about the final score (here’s looking at you Wall Street).

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Shook
Photo Credit: Jeffrey Beall

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on kickers and DEFs who are owned in less than 30-percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best option to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top).We also include last week’s suggestions and full season results. Points are based on default Yahoo! settings.

The impossible has happened: Ryan Tannehill was good. The Dolphins gave up 35 points on the road and ended up costing three points just to start in fantasy. Atrocious. Fortunately, Washington’s 12-point performance redeemed me a bit. Though the two-week average of five points-per-recommendation at DEF looks pretty wack, the fact that the first two weeks of NFL action are the toughest to predict have me feeling optimistic. This week, we got a sure-fire defensive suggestion. Our kickers you ask? They’re just averaging 11.2 points-per-recommendation is all. No big deal.

Once the kickers and DEFs both start firing as one, your boy Big Poppa Pockets will have convinced you to abandon your current options in favor of playing the stream game. Week Three is usually around the time I catch fire as scenarios are easier to project, so hope you can handle the hard stuff. This shit right here will put hair on your tits.

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Photo Credit: Keith Allison

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on SPs who are owned in less than 30 percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best option to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top).

More after the jump:

Stoked
Photo Credit: Walt Johnson/USAF

Two weeks in the books means we're starting to figure out some trends out and getting our questions answered. It's nice and calm. We are settling into our every-week roster. Even our kicker is a solid weapon. WRONG.

Fantasy sucks because our questions can never be answered. Asking yourself if and when will Larry Fitzgerald awake from his slumber is not the correct path. Questioning whether Jamaal Charles could blow the football further then the amount of rushing yards he put up on Sunday? It is not the move. The fact is, your damn well starting these boys next week. Hell, everybody who had Chris Johnson last year still convinced themselves to put Mr. Holdout in their roster on every given Sunday.

The frustration of screaming at the television, throwing pillows at the wall, and waking up angry Monday morning is a common trend that can easily be remedied with a steady dose of being an active fantasy owner who looks at trends and stats. Go create answers to problems and stop asking questions.

I have to apologize. This article would have made press earlier folks, but I was too busy picking up Kevin Kolb and buckling my seatbelt on the Arizona Cardinals bandwagon (editor's/Starbonell's note: I also aided in the delay of posting, but instead of dudes named Kevin, I was picking up females named Chastitty).

Listen up people, there's more after the jump:

Omega-Tron
Photo Credit: Dave Hogg

Calvin Johnson is an elite WR and that doesn’t figure to change in 2012. However, the owners who paid the high price for his services on draft/auction day should be concerned about the return. Paying the high cost for Johnson was like spending top-dollar on the best prostitute money can buy. You know you are getting a sure thing that won’t hurt you, but you could’ve paid a lot less for a similar hole and used the rest of the money on shit you actually need. 

Yes it’s early and Megatron still has an un-scoffable 14 catches for 205 yards through two weeks. Still, the fact that he’s been held scoreless and is watching a slew of cheaper alternatives put up better fantasy totals is disconcerting. The biggest reason for his “slow” start is Matt Stafford. The Lions QB has been erratic as hell, and while he should play way better as the season goes on, a repeat of 5,000 yards and 40-plus TDs is not a slam dunk. Plus, Stafford has actually been targeting Johnson a lot less on deep balls to start the season. Granted, the 49ers took the deep play out of the equation with their safety positioning Sunday night, but the fact that Johnson hasn’t been put in situations to make monster plays downfield isn’t a good sign.

A big reason people were all over Johnson on auction day was the fact that he posted career-highs last year in catches (96), yards (1,681), and TDs (16). However, with Stafford having to go on a torrid pace to match last season’s production, Johnson is already behind in matching anything close to his 2011 totals. Don’t get it twisted: Johnson will be a hands-down WR1 this season, but that’s not what we are discussing. Think about what the cost was this year in drafts and auctions. Can you honestly tell me that the price was worth it considering the points I just made and the fact that the WR position is the deepest it’s ever been? The answer is a resounding “no.”

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Martiiiiiiiiiin!
Photo Credit: mikelachance816

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on SPs who are owned in less than 30 percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best option to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top).

More after the jump:

He won't be smiling come Sunday night
Photo Credit: Peter Martorano

If you took my advice in Week One you made money. bottom-line. While you may have wanted to murder shit like Christian Bale in “American Psycho,” you must understand that we are bettors who must strive to be more disciplined than that. Week One is about learning who is who and what is what. Now that we have a better sense of what some of these teams really are, I’m ready to strap on the big boy pants and make some bets that you might not be ready for. The bets I’m about to give you might scare. Don't worry. You have to remember it’s not about what these teams were last year, it’s about who they are this year. At one point, I would have licked the ass crack of Jessica Simpson (this being in her “Dukes of Hazzard” days), but in 2012 Jessica Simpson’s ass crack is about as appealing as a Mounds bar you got four Halloweens ago. What am I getting at? It’s all about what these teams have done for us lately, so without further ado… let’s get to it.

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Photo Credit: kowarski

At “Stream Pies,” we are serving up gooey loads of knowledge. Here, we’ll provide invaluable streaming advice on SPs who are owned in less than 30 percent of Yahoo! leagues. We list the options in order of best option to “least-best” option (with the strongest recommendations starting at the top).

More after the jump: