It seems like Starbonell has his finger (probably all five fingers) on the pulse of the porn industry. Just a few short days after bringing the Chyna/Xpac sex tape to the forefront of the national fantasy sports discussion, we have received updated Chyna porn info from our friends at TMZ.com. Chyna probably figured the only way for her to up the ante on the creepiness from banging X-Pac on video is to be double teamed by two dudes at once. So in turn we will up the ante on the Cheeks Weather Report by giving you a double dose of updates for both Friday and Saturday. The forecast looks pretty clear for the weekend, but you'll never be able to fully clear your mind from disgusting thoughts following this latest newsbreak.
Friday May 27th SD vs. WAS: 37% chance of thunderstorms. LA vs. MIN: 65% chance of thunderstorms.
Saturday May 28th SD vs. WAS: 32% chance of thunderstorms. SF vs. MIL: 32% chance of thunderstorms. PIT vs. CHI: 41% chance of thunderstorms. BOS vs. DET: 38% chance of thunderstorms.
Fantasy baseball has provided me with many thrill and chills. It's been a fun ride, but lately I haven't had as much time for the wonderful game we play. I'd like to say I haven't had a choice, but that's not the case. I have made the choice to limit my time here. Don't worry, this isn't me saying goodbye. However, I am coming to the conclusion that there are more important things that I'd like to do with my time. Protecting my (and your) health and civil liberties has become important to me. I've decided to make it a personal mission of mine to stop the fluoridation of water in my community and to thwart the attempts of unlawful groping by the ever expanding militant wing that goes by the name of the TSA. While most Americans are obsessing over Michael Jordan and Biebler (hilarious rant, not a Biebler link), I've been paying attention to our shrinking dollar and the incrementalism of our rights. It's not a joyous situation, but luckily I have the make believe world of fantasy baseball in which I can bury my head. I can spend a hour or two and lose myself inside the world of mathematics. So let's ignore our ever evolving fascist society for a short while and delve into a few feel good story lines from Wednesday.
Thanks to the man above, there is a zero percent chance of Thunder in the NBA finals. However, there are some potential thunderstorms that could plague the truncated Thursday MLB schedule. Eight games are on tap, but half of them have at least some chance of thunder-related issues. Only two of them are really significant enough to warrant any type of fantasy consideration. The Mets and Cubs should be able to get in their scheduled afternoon tilt, even if the start time is delayed to later in the day. While the Red Sox and Tigers affair may suffer the same rainy conditions that forced Wednesday's game in the Motor City to receive the dreaded PPD.
BOS vs. DET: 70% chance of thunderstorms all day/night long.
CHI vs. NYM: 70% chance of thunderstorms all day long, with the forecast improving to a 30% chance of rain after 9:00 PM.
Why you using this pic MDS? I look up to nobody. I'm Bruce Almighty! Photo Credit: Mevins31
We're going to make this a short and sweet. To be honest with you, that 1 Night in China link has mysteriously made my forearms tired (both of them). I'll never look at the Bronco Buster the same. Tonight we're settling beef between two NL Central Heavyweight Outfielders; Matt Holliday and Jay Bruce. In one corner we have a reliable, aging vet and in the other corner we have a young, potential packed slugger. Two top eight Outfielders enter the proverbial cage, but only one will leave. It's showtime.
Don't know what's more skeevy, X-Pac or the fact that he actually banged Chyna? Photo Credit: MingH
I think as a community we are all still reeling from the reference made earlier by Starbonell about X-pac's cock. I really don't know how to react or attempt to follow that, so I will just get right into the details of the three games with potential weather problems on Wednesday:
WAS vs. MIL: This game is scheduled to start at 12:10 PM Central Time, however there is a 70% chance of thunderstorm all afternoon until midnight.
NYM vs. CHC: 82% chance of thunderstorms all night long.
FLA vs. SF: 64% chance of rain at the scheduled 7:10 PM Pacific Time, with the chances decreasing to 20% after 8:00. So looks like a good probability of a delay, but they should be able to get the game in.
Justin Turner fever is spreading faster than a maid’s buttocks in Dominique Strauss-Khan’s bedchambers, and like the IMF chief’s trysts, it’s been forcibly shoved down our holes. There’s already a Twitter account dedicated to Justin Turner Facts (@TurnerFacts) and Mets fans have embraced the ginger with open arms. Fantasy owners continue to have their curiosity piqued as well since Turner’s ownership rate has risen to 17-percent in Yahoo! leagues. He’s come out of nowhere to post a .333/.382/.492 line in 68 PAs and has driven in 15 to date. People love these random breakout stories and since Turner is eligible at 2B, it’s easy to see why fantasy owners are taking the plunge. That doesn’t mean I agree with their thinking. For starters, second base is not a “shallow” position as many people seem to think. Sure it isn’t loaded with elite talent, but there are a lot of good-to-great options at second, so it’s not like 12-team mixed league owners have to go out and add a dude like Turner. Second, while Turner has shown solid power in the minors the last couple of years, the Citi Field effect (coupled with the “major league pitchers are better than minor league pitchers” theory) means that you are looking at about 10 HRs this season. Third, his SB potential is pretty low, which hurts his value when compared to MIs who can traditionally swipe more bases. The best case scenario for Turner is that he becomes the next Darwin Barney. That’s not bad if you are in a deeper league that uses MIs and needs the BA help, but he’s hardly a difference-maker in fantasy. The worst-case scenario? Turner looks at his jersey, says “oh, that’s right, I’m a New York Mutt,” and immediately slips into a 0-for-234 slump.
Speaking of Mets, Angel Pagan is coming off the DL on Friday and fantasy owners in need of OF help should look to add him now. He’s owned in 35 percent of Yahoo! leagues and was sucking big time before hitting the DL with a strained oblique (.159/.259/.246 in 82 PAs). He was making weak contact this season with a 15.0 LD% and 16.1 Infield Fly Ball Percentage (IFFB%), but he stole four bases in 19 games and swiped 37 bags last year. Any OF who can steal bases is always a player of interest, but this one can actually contribute in counting categories as well. Keep in mind that if he's back batting second in the lineup, he'll be hitting behind R-machine Jose Reyes and in front of Carlos Beltran and company. There is definitely some upside to be had here, so fantasy owners should take a chance on him.
It’s a bit surprising that Domonic Brown is owned in just 28-percent of Yahoo! leagues. Sure he’s off to a 1-for-8 start and battled injuries early this year, but he’s shown good power in the minors and is a lefty hitting at Citizen’s Bank Park. He can even chip in a few SBs. Manager Charlie Manuel says he won’t play him against lefties initially, but Ben Francisco isn’t the answer in right field. Even with Chase Utley back, the Phillies lineup could use more juice and if Brown gets rolling, Phillies fans and fantasy owners alike will be calling for Manuel to “Ban” Francisco. Official No-Star-damus prediction: Brown will play and produce no less than an OF3 from here on out (with the upside of hitting like an OF2).
A lot of people got off the J.P. Arencibia bandwagon early in the season thanks to his struggles at the plate and the fact that he was in a platoon with Jose Molina. He’s killing it over his last seven games, however, rocking a .370 BA with three HRs, three doubles, and 11 RBIs. Even though it seems like he’s not having a “good” overall season, he’s actually the sixth ranked C in Yahoo!, yet is only 41-percent owned. Arencibia’s all-or-nothing approach at the plate (26.0 K% and 49.5 FB%) makes him a BA liability, but let’s be real here. The catcher position in fantasy is dryer than an old woman’s cooch, so while Arencibia will have his ups-and-downs, his plus-power makes him a lock to finish as a top 10 option at the position.
I'm fairly certain that kid owns a few shares of Chris Carpenter. With a blank stare on his goofy face, he ignored our warnings of drafting an expensive, injury prone pitcher who has a below average K/9. I yelled "heads up!" during the draft season, but the blank stare continued while he pulled the trigger on Carp and took a Line Drive to the dome. Owners of the BABIP-riddled pitcher are now holding their heads, helplessly wandering around. Not even the world's largest ice pack can cure the woes of a .338 BABIP. Most people should know LD% is directly tied to BABIP, which in turn is directly tied to WHIP and ERA. A low LD% is more important than a high GB%. LD% is overlooked by many, I'm hoping to change that. Let's take a look at a few pitchers who have been beat up by opposing batters through the first seven weeks of the season.
Edinson Volquez was demoted to the minors and promoted to the top of my shit list. I’ve been back and forth on his fantasy prospects, but I can’t advocate holding onto him right now unless you’ve got a ton of roster space or a death wish. I tried to give him one more chance after he struck out nine Cubs in six innings two starts ago. In true Volquez-ian fashion, he proceeded to get bombed for six earned runs in 2.2 innings yesterday. Now he’s headed to Triple-A and everyone wants to know, “does Starbonell still have love for Volquez (pause)?”
There’s no doubt Volquez has been terrible this year, posting a 6.35 ERA and 6.71 BB/9. That said, if he turns things around in the minors, I’ll be back for another hit of “High Volquez.” For starters, it’s encouraging that Volquez took the news of his demotion the same way Chyna took X-Pac’s X-Cock; according to manager Dusty Baker, “he took it like a man.” Despite the ugly surface numbers, there are some encouraging aspects about Volquez. His stuff remains nasty, he still generates a lot of weak contact (15.7 LD% and career-best 55.0 GB%), and his 22.0 HR/FB ratio is ridiculously high, even with the Great American Ballpark factor. So yes, even though Volquez has burned me more than once, I’ll be quick to forgive if he throws up a 3.50 BB/9 in the minors.
While Volquez has hit a low point in his season, Homer Bailey (who knows a thing or two about being left for dead by fantasy owners) has turned in a 2.08 ERA in four starts. The strikeouts could be better considering his pedigree (6.92 K/9), but he’s barely walking anyone (1.38 BB/9) and is generating more weak contact than ever (47.4 GB% and 15.8 LD%). He’s relied on his slider a lot more this year and is throwing his heater less than ever (55.0%; career mark of 69.7%). The new approach is paying off, so even though his fastball velocity is down from previous seasons, this does not look like a fluke. His 7.1 HR/FB (and thus, his ERA) will creep north since his 3.6 Infield Fly Ball Percentage (IFFB%) is almost five points lower than his career norm, but overall, this should be Bailey’s best fantasy season. Sure the K-rate may make him an SP4 at best, but he’s got more than enough upside to warrant more than the 49-percent ownership he’s currently sporting in Yahoo! leagues. He should be universally owned in 12-team mixers right now.
Don't fuck with Kevin "Goggles" Gregg. Photo Credit: Ich
Another day, another slew of potential weather problems on the MLB schedule. Personally, I would like to see the commissioner's office institute a rule that all players must wear weatherproof goggles for all games. Not only would these goggles look super cool, but they would eliminate the need for rain cancellations. Though until Bud Selig starts taking my suggestions on these matters, we'll still need to keep up to date with local forecasts. Here's what's on deck for Tuesday:
ARI vs. COL: The D-backs and Rockies are slated to play a double dip, but both games have potential problems. There is a 50% chance of thunderstorms from 1:00 PM till 8:00, at which time the chances only slightly decrease to 40% for the rest of the night. CIN vs. PHI: 60% chance of thunderstorms.
This is what happens when Cheeks gets mad. Photo Credit: andy_c
It looks like we all survived the fake ass Rapture. Life goes on, and so does fantasy baseball albeit with a light Monday schedule. Even with the small number of games there are still some potential weather problems to be aware of. The pickings may be slim to find replacement starters in the free agent pool or on your bench, but it's still better to have a mid-level player give you a shot at glory than to waste a roster spot on a superstar with a PPD. So lets get right down to the details.
BOS vs. CLE: 72% chance of thunderstorms.
TOR vs. NYY: 52% chance of thunderstorms.
DET vs. TAM: 67% chance of thunderstorms from 7:00-11:00 PM. The forecast improves to a 40% chance after that.
CIN vs. PHI: 69% chance of thunderstorms from 7:00-11:00 PM. The forecast improves to a 47% chance after that.